My Office

In my home office where I pretend to do all my work I've not switched to an energy efficient bulb in my desk lamp.

Now the very minimum of energy is used in this room, but the lamp and me.

Sweet.

Clocks

So, the clocks went back. And I hate it.

You get an extra hour that you don't even notice because you're asleep.

I plan to store up all my extra hours, and then 24 years from now, I get a day to myself.

Sweet.

You Couldn't Direct Traffic

So, you've spent the summer watching Big Brother. You wish you could put words in the mouths of the contestants.

Amy: "No, no, no. I think you'll find the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the square of the other two sides."
Gerry: "Look at the wangers on that."
Liam: "Why ay pet, put a little fishy on a little dishy, pet."
Ziggy: "Carole, hop on!"
The twins: "... (silence)"

Wouldn't that be sweet? Well, it won't happen. But you could direct your own version of a black and white film.

Coke zero (you know the one, real taste, zero sugar, so you don't end up a fat diabetic - what, I'm just being honest) have got a website www.zeroismore.com where you direct your own small movie. Why not have a go? You can make then say inappropriate things about your co-workers, or just get them to swear. (Oh come on, it is funny. Bumhole! There, see!)

I'm not saying that following my advice will get your clip to win in competition with the other clips (that happens on there), but I'd find them funny. You get to make life as it should be, where people say what you want them to. Oh, how I'd love that where I work.

If you do it and you make a good one, send it to me (ooh-er@bonbon.net).

Up Your Colon

I've just finished a radio shift and in the news they were saying standards in English are dropping with most school-age boys thinking punctuation is a chore.

I agree. I'm through with punctuation, period!

Scientology

I’ve been thinking about scientology. I think I like the idea. I read somewhere they think the key to health is exercise and vitamins. Well, I’ve been taking loads of multi-vits and have bought a cross-trainer recently.

They don’t want you to stay in contact with non-scientologists. Well, I’m not that sociable anyway.

Everyone I’ve mentioned this too referred me to the BBC documentary where the journalists was followed round after investigating them.

And that’s a bad thing? I like the idea of people covering my ass. My last boss wouldn’t have been able to sack me, they’ve have swooped and kicked his while saving mine.

If only I had the money, eh.

Heelies Defy Laws Of Nature

Despite the years spent doing physics A-level when I should've been chasing ass, I still can't fathom everything out.

Why is it that you don't see more children fall over when wearing Heelies?

Every time you go our for a quiet drink you can be sure some kid who hasn't quite mastered the art of transport will go flying as soon as they hit a jog, and then cry the place down like it was anything other than bloody predictable.

But put the same unstable kids on wheels, when surely they don't stand and chance and they stay upright even in strong winds.

I say we need modified police stingers just trip the Heelie kids up and restore balance to the natural world.

Hello People

For the people who have been popping along to read my stuff and noticed I haven't added much in the past two weeks, I say sorry.

I'm currently doing about 5 jobs (Hertbeat FM/Heart FM/Mercury FM/loads of stand-up) plus I have a two-hour drive each way to get to work.

All in all I've just been a little rushed.

I will start putting some more stuff on after I move into my new place after the weekend.

Cheers,

Steve