Clocks

So, the clocks went back. And I hate it.

You get an extra hour that you don't even notice because you're asleep.

I plan to store up all my extra hours, and then 24 years from now, I get a day to myself.

Sweet.

You Couldn't Direct Traffic

So, you've spent the summer watching Big Brother. You wish you could put words in the mouths of the contestants.

Amy: "No, no, no. I think you'll find the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the square of the other two sides."
Gerry: "Look at the wangers on that."
Liam: "Why ay pet, put a little fishy on a little dishy, pet."
Ziggy: "Carole, hop on!"
The twins: "... (silence)"

Wouldn't that be sweet? Well, it won't happen. But you could direct your own version of a black and white film.

Coke zero (you know the one, real taste, zero sugar, so you don't end up a fat diabetic - what, I'm just being honest) have got a website www.zeroismore.com where you direct your own small movie. Why not have a go? You can make then say inappropriate things about your co-workers, or just get them to swear. (Oh come on, it is funny. Bumhole! There, see!)

I'm not saying that following my advice will get your clip to win in competition with the other clips (that happens on there), but I'd find them funny. You get to make life as it should be, where people say what you want them to. Oh, how I'd love that where I work.

If you do it and you make a good one, send it to me (ooh-er@bonbon.net).

Up Your Colon

I've just finished a radio shift and in the news they were saying standards in English are dropping with most school-age boys thinking punctuation is a chore.

I agree. I'm through with punctuation, period!

Scientology

I’ve been thinking about scientology. I think I like the idea. I read somewhere they think the key to health is exercise and vitamins. Well, I’ve been taking loads of multi-vits and have bought a cross-trainer recently.

They don’t want you to stay in contact with non-scientologists. Well, I’m not that sociable anyway.

Everyone I’ve mentioned this too referred me to the BBC documentary where the journalists was followed round after investigating them.

And that’s a bad thing? I like the idea of people covering my ass. My last boss wouldn’t have been able to sack me, they’ve have swooped and kicked his while saving mine.

If only I had the money, eh.

Heelies Defy Laws Of Nature

Despite the years spent doing physics A-level when I should've been chasing ass, I still can't fathom everything out.

Why is it that you don't see more children fall over when wearing Heelies?

Every time you go our for a quiet drink you can be sure some kid who hasn't quite mastered the art of transport will go flying as soon as they hit a jog, and then cry the place down like it was anything other than bloody predictable.

But put the same unstable kids on wheels, when surely they don't stand and chance and they stay upright even in strong winds.

I say we need modified police stingers just trip the Heelie kids up and restore balance to the natural world.

Hello People

For the people who have been popping along to read my stuff and noticed I haven't added much in the past two weeks, I say sorry.

I'm currently doing about 5 jobs (Hertbeat FM/Heart FM/Mercury FM/loads of stand-up) plus I have a two-hour drive each way to get to work.

All in all I've just been a little rushed.

I will start putting some more stuff on after I move into my new place after the weekend.

Cheers,

Steve

War

I did a stand-up comedy gig in Reigate on Sunday night in air of the War Child charity. And half way through the gig I realised all the acts, all the audience, wouldn't be there, having a fun time, if it were for one thing...

War!

So, lets have a round of applause for war ladies and gentlemen.

Sign Of The Times

On the way into work I have to go on Hazlett Avenue, and there are roadworks there that have blocked off a way for people to cross the road. So someone has put up a handwritten sign reading: "Pedestrians crossing, ECL slow."

ECL? What that heck?

It can't be short for extremely because there ain't a C in that. So I'm driving along there not knowing in which way they want me to be slow.

I know INCL is used as an abbreviation for 'including'. Do they want me to drive through there "excluding slow"? Wouldn't they mean they want me to drive fast? The reckless fools.

So kids, they next time you don't pay attention in school just realise one day you could grow up to write a sign by the side of a road and your abbreviating skills could cause the death of some innocent pedestrian. So study hard kids.

That was a public information announcement on behalf of a patronising DJ.

Teeth

I think I might need help. I'm sure I have started to be able to taste my own teeth.

I'm not even kidding. Over the past few weeks I have started to be able to taste stuff in my moth when there's nothing there, and I can only think it's my teeth.

If anyone has any suggestions please email.

I Saw Ugly Betty

I was in town today and I saw a woman who had the exact same glasses as Ugly Betty on the telly.

Bummer. You have something you think looks good and then if suddenly becomes synonymous with ugliness.

There must've been loads of people who have had this throughout history. The people with the small moustaches who had to shave when Hitler got famous, the women with the Mira Hindley hair, and anyone working as a Gary Glitter tribute act.

So we should all stop doing things that could one day be linked with weirdoes. But then, most serial killers were quiet and polite when the neighbours get questioned. So go and really p**s off the bloke next door, it's the only way to stay safe.

Ice Fun

The funniest thing I have ever seen in Horley (and that really does narrow it down) happened this week.

I went there with BlackThunder Helen (the cute blonde lady I get to work with sometimes) and we turned up to an outdoor ice rink.

Some firm turns up and lays some pads of ice and makes the rink, and that's why it was funny. You see, indoor ones are, well, level. This outdoor one had been put on a slope.

An ice rink on a slope. It's a cross between figure skating and the ski slalom. It's starts off OK but 5 minutes later everyone is down the bottom.

It was done for Valentines Day, although it was mainly kids that were on it, and that's a bit odd. I mean, you shouldn't really have kids involved with anything that's about romance.

Unless it was run by one of those dodgy kid-likers. Maybe that's why it was on a slope, the dirty old man just waits at the bottom and... ooooh, no!

Monday Night Out

I was the host last night of a local band night in Crawley at Brannigans. It was supporting The British Heart Foundation (so thanks to me you're now 0.02% less likely to have a heart attack - you're welcome).

It was a great night, some really good bands.

Seems odd though. I was there to introduce them but about 10-years ago I was in a band back in Notts (lead guitar of course). So in the space of a decade I've lost talent and stopped being the one who gets the groupies.

And that's progress?

MindRant: Pins And Needles

Another of those MindRant things, from the technique many radio presenters have been taught to make material for their show, where you just write down whatever comes into your head.

I don't use it to write shows (as only losers do that) but doing it still produces some odd stuff. You can have a read of what I just wrote by clicking on the picture.



Let me know if you read it.

Steve

My Ugly Mug

The rise and rise of Steve Allen continues apace. I have confirmed what a mega star I am as I now have Steve Allen branded mugs and key rings. Oooooh, yeah!

I know you want one, don't ya! But it's tough poo. You gotta win one on my show.

I have however learnt not to send both to one person. I put the key ring in the mug, put it in the box and sent it, and this is an email I got back from a 'delighted' listener.

"Hiya Steve

How excited am I - got a lovely parcel from the postman this morning. You are truly famous now that you have your own mug - is it too precious to drink from? The key ring on the other hand is the scariest thing I have seen in a long time.

The key ring rattling around inside fooled the post office - they thought something was broken cos they enclosed an apology."

Or maybe that's the plan. If you win a mug and a key ring on my show you can then claim back from the Post Office for damaged goods and you'll be a true winner.

The High Life?

"Oh, Steve. What a charmed life you must lead as a minor local radio celebrity. You must get treated so well."

And to whomever said that I retort, "B******s!"

We got an email at work telling us that we presenters can't use the Mercury FM parking spaces.

We're on Manor Royal in Crawley, and it's so busy round here for parking it's crazy. Often you have to fight for a space out on the road, and we have four reserved parking spaces right outside the station, but oooooooooh no! Not for us.

The people in sales say they have to have them because it's important that they can find a place to park when they get back form their meetings.

Here's a thought. It's also probably quite important that the flippin' presenter who's gonna be doing the show can actually get to park. Without that happening it'll be very very quiet on the station, and without the presenter there's no one to play out the ads, so what would the sales people sell then?

Perks my a**e. If it weren't for the groupies and free drugs I think I'd quit.

Robert Wells In Concert

Last night I went to see a musical performer at Ronnie Scott's in London.

A young chap by the name of Robert Wells, he's from Sweden and does a great set of jazz and boogie with a new take on some classically pieces.

It was a good night. I normally hide the fact that when I did music A-level I did jazz performances and blues style compositions. All very odd from a working-class northern white boy. So it was right up my street.

I don't get to play as much as I used to but last night made me want to take up a new instrument. The bass guitar.

When the bass guitarist was doing the 'slap bass' thing, I was thinking, "Surely it doesn't matter how ugly you are, you do that on stage and you'll get laid."

I now have to add it to my list of sexy musical instruments, ones that if you play them the ladies will love you. So far the list is:

Saxophone (obviously)
Slap bass (so funky)
Harmonica (proves a certain skill level with you lips and tongue)

Venus

Here's a plus side to being me. If I work hard in the week, write more content for the shows than I need, do some pre-recording, I can take Friday morning off. I don't have to be on air till 4pm, so it's Stevie-fun-time!

This Friday I went to the cinema (with my free pass, plus-side to being me part 2) and I saw the film Venus.

It's the best film I've seen in ages. Normally the list of my favourite films of the year is populated with comedies, but this makes it for being the most moving things I've seen, and I'm not often moved. When ET died I just thought, "They get their spare room back."

But, remember I was watching this film, about an old bloke, at 11am on a Friday morning. Basically I was the youngest person in there, it was like an OAP special outing. Don't get me wrong, that's great, nice for them to get out, but...

...less than 15 minutes in the snoring started.

Oh well, more fool them, because if you stay awake through the whole thing you hear 4 really bad swears words and see some boobs. And I hope that's something I'd still stay awake for when I get to that age.

It's The Ripped Trousers Grommet

I was in a bad mood on Friday, bad stuff at work, but Saturday night I went to Folkestone and did a stand-up comedy gig. Stand-up is guaranteed to make up for any bad stuff that's happened in that week of radio, and it did.

Oh what a happy little soul I was till I realised, last night, on stage in front of 200 people, I had a rip in my trousers.

I got them off the hanger before the gig, got my outfit together and just went for it. But the rip in between the right front pocket and the gusset. Basically, if my boxer rode up a bit the rip would be in the right play to show off "Mr Righty". (Yes, I name my two veg)

I wondered why I felt so free and easy on stage last night. I was walking around up there, talking b*****ks while showing one off too.

Next time I do that, I'll charge them double.

30 Update

So how is life as a 30-year-old? Well, it's fraying at the seams.

I don't think I've done this since I was a kid, but tonight I spilt gravy down my t-shirt. So I'm sat here feeling very un-showbiz.

I didn't think I'd be a dribbler till I hit my 80s, but no, I'm very advanced for my age.

And that's not the only reason I feel like I'm getting old. It wasn't just the spilling of the foodstuff down my t-shirt, it was the fact that my first thought was, "Well, that's wasted food."

D'oh!

Visit Steve Allen's Home

I just got back from a visit to the North. I make a pilgrimage to Sutton-in-Ashfield in Nottinghamshire every year around this time because my sister and I share the same birthday even though she was 11 years older. (People always say, 'Wow, what are the odds of that? Well, 1 in 365, so not that stunning.)

I think I got the worst end of it. She had 10 birthdays on her own before she had to start sharing, but I didn't. And she's a woman so will probably live 10 years longer than me, so we should die around the same time. Basically, I'll never know the joy of my solo birthday. Whenever I get gifts in life that little bit of giving always ruins it.

Still, somehow, through it all, I'll probably cope.

Happy Birthday Me

Well, today is the day I turn 30. I thought it would hit me harder, but I'm fine so far. I got up, went back to bed, cried all day. Yep, I'm coping.

If anything finally being 30 is good, because now I'm growing into my own hair-loss.

I was thinking about what I would want on my birthday. And my wish is that there is no terrorism today. Not because I'm being nice. Imagine how rubbish it would be if a big bomb thing went off and your birthday became one of 'those dates' people use.

MAN: Oh, when's your birthday?
ME: It's 10-01.
MAN: Ooooh, 10-01, that was such a shame. Terrible what happened.

I'd be like, "Erm, we were talking about me. Focus, where's my present?"

MindRant - New Year

A while ago I posted something on my other blog that was quite well received (and by that I mean I got a few nice emails about it). It was after a training day where they go us to sit down and just start writing on any subject and fill the page with whatever flowed into our minds (it's a well used technique in commercial radio and is probably why so many DJs talk such random crap). I posted it here and as it did well I've decided to start doing it again under the little name of 'mindrants'.

So, sorry for any spelling errors and the untidy handwriting, but open the jpeg of the sheet I wrote and have a little read at the workings of my mind.



Steve

Oooh, I'm Famous

One of the oddest things happened to me today. I got recognised by a professional look-a-like. I just love the irony of that.

It was a guy who lives round here who gains work because he looks like David Brent. I did a corporate gig with him a while back and that's how he knew me (local radio presenters tend not to be recognised that much). I just love that he did to me what he earns money from people doing to him. If only prostitutes would do the same.

Unless he didn't think I was Steve Allen, but some Steve Allen look-a-like and he was just impressed at how spot on I got it.