Heelies Defy Laws Of Nature

Despite the years spent doing physics A-level when I should've been chasing ass, I still can't fathom everything out.

Why is it that you don't see more children fall over when wearing Heelies?

Every time you go our for a quiet drink you can be sure some kid who hasn't quite mastered the art of transport will go flying as soon as they hit a jog, and then cry the place down like it was anything other than bloody predictable.

But put the same unstable kids on wheels, when surely they don't stand and chance and they stay upright even in strong winds.

I say we need modified police stingers just trip the Heelie kids up and restore balance to the natural world.

Hello People

For the people who have been popping along to read my stuff and noticed I haven't added much in the past two weeks, I say sorry.

I'm currently doing about 5 jobs (Hertbeat FM/Heart FM/Mercury FM/loads of stand-up) plus I have a two-hour drive each way to get to work.

All in all I've just been a little rushed.

I will start putting some more stuff on after I move into my new place after the weekend.

Cheers,

Steve

War

I did a stand-up comedy gig in Reigate on Sunday night in air of the War Child charity. And half way through the gig I realised all the acts, all the audience, wouldn't be there, having a fun time, if it were for one thing...

War!

So, lets have a round of applause for war ladies and gentlemen.

Sign Of The Times

On the way into work I have to go on Hazlett Avenue, and there are roadworks there that have blocked off a way for people to cross the road. So someone has put up a handwritten sign reading: "Pedestrians crossing, ECL slow."

ECL? What that heck?

It can't be short for extremely because there ain't a C in that. So I'm driving along there not knowing in which way they want me to be slow.

I know INCL is used as an abbreviation for 'including'. Do they want me to drive through there "excluding slow"? Wouldn't they mean they want me to drive fast? The reckless fools.

So kids, they next time you don't pay attention in school just realise one day you could grow up to write a sign by the side of a road and your abbreviating skills could cause the death of some innocent pedestrian. So study hard kids.

That was a public information announcement on behalf of a patronising DJ.

Teeth

I think I might need help. I'm sure I have started to be able to taste my own teeth.

I'm not even kidding. Over the past few weeks I have started to be able to taste stuff in my moth when there's nothing there, and I can only think it's my teeth.

If anyone has any suggestions please email.

I Saw Ugly Betty

I was in town today and I saw a woman who had the exact same glasses as Ugly Betty on the telly.

Bummer. You have something you think looks good and then if suddenly becomes synonymous with ugliness.

There must've been loads of people who have had this throughout history. The people with the small moustaches who had to shave when Hitler got famous, the women with the Mira Hindley hair, and anyone working as a Gary Glitter tribute act.

So we should all stop doing things that could one day be linked with weirdoes. But then, most serial killers were quiet and polite when the neighbours get questioned. So go and really p**s off the bloke next door, it's the only way to stay safe.

Ice Fun

The funniest thing I have ever seen in Horley (and that really does narrow it down) happened this week.

I went there with BlackThunder Helen (the cute blonde lady I get to work with sometimes) and we turned up to an outdoor ice rink.

Some firm turns up and lays some pads of ice and makes the rink, and that's why it was funny. You see, indoor ones are, well, level. This outdoor one had been put on a slope.

An ice rink on a slope. It's a cross between figure skating and the ski slalom. It's starts off OK but 5 minutes later everyone is down the bottom.

It was done for Valentines Day, although it was mainly kids that were on it, and that's a bit odd. I mean, you shouldn't really have kids involved with anything that's about romance.

Unless it was run by one of those dodgy kid-likers. Maybe that's why it was on a slope, the dirty old man just waits at the bottom and... ooooh, no!