Stevie's Log 12-02-08

I've just been working out in the mini-gym. It seems odd that I go to one room of the house to make myself sweat, and then shower and spray on cake loads of antiperspirant to make sure I don't sweat again for the rest of the day.

If I don't find time to gym one day do you think I could just not wash for a while? Would that still keep me healthy?

One of the countries in Europe that has a lower than UK level of heart disease is France.

Do you think I'm onto something?

Stevie's Log 11-02-08

I found my name listed on the website of a comedy club I've never played at today.

It's all very odd. I don't know what's going on there. My only explanation is that I must've blacked out (even thought I don't do that), driven up to Nottingham, performed a set, driven back, and woken up none the wiser.

Or I have a Fight Club style secondary personality. Although if my alter ego is another stand-up comedian called Steve Allen, it goes to show I have a severe lack of imagination.

Stevie's Log 10-02-08

We were talking at work today about those mosquito things that are designed to make teenager move away. It's a high pitched noise making device, they don't actually set a swarm of blood sucking ticks on the yobs. (Although, write it down as an idea...)

It produces a note so high only people under 25 can hear it. And the teenagers have been moaning that it's not fair.

Well, I've reached the age where I can't walk up stairs without getting a high pitched ringing in my ears, and I can't sue the Government about it, so maybe they should stop moaning.

Stevie's Log 09-02-08

I haven't shaved for a few days now, and I love it.

There's something quite liberating about not joining in with society's facial expectations. And I also think it's a money saving tip.

You save on the razors and the shaving foam, plus it makes it far less likely you'll get mugged. I don't have any evidence to back that up, but it seems to make sense. If you were a mugger would you mug someone who was clean shaven who probably has a good job and earns well, or a beardy man who might live in a cardboard box?

Sorted.

Stevie's Log 08-02-08

It was only the other weekend I was sorted out my tax. I'm now thinking I could've saved myself a lot more money. I tend to just say what I earned and pay the full whack. But I should get into this "tax deductible" lark.

You can claim for the money spent on things that are used in the doing of your work.

So I should be able to claim for...

Petrol to the stand-up gigs
Wet wipes in case I get too sweaty up on stage
Anger management courses to stop me hitting bosses
Chewing gum (because I have to look cool to do what I do)
Cotton buds (being a DJ doesn't half make your ears make more wax - you needed that into didn't you)
Condoms (because I tell so many sex jokes on stage)
And drugs

So, wish me luck for next year's tax return.

Stevie's Log 07-02-08

People with things on their t-shirts kind of bother me.

ASDA were selling ones saying, "Drink till she's attractive". Now, who's that aimed at?

If you actually want that advice yourself there's no point having that on your own shirt. Not only are you not able to look at it because your head is above it, but if you look at it in a mirror it will just read...

"Evitcatta s'hes llit knird."

Although that's probably equally valid dating advice.

So clearly those t-shirts are for us to read. So you're saying I'm the one who needs to drink till someone becomes attractive? I'll have you know that I don't need drink. I have the skill of thinking I'm with someone else just by closing my eyes.

Now who's the loser?

It's still me, isn't it?

Stevie's Log 06-02-08

Just started watching Lost season 3.

This island that they are lost on seems to be getting bigger and bigger. It now has another island isn't just off its coast. It has cars, electricity, and a big war going on between the normal people who have visited it and the scary locals.

It's kind of like the Isle Of Wight.

If in this season they go to Black Gang Chine, I won't be shocked.